Hmmm...I have no idea how to start this..
( 7 mins later)
Last night I felt bullied. And I've never known that.
I swear, if my school had bullies, they stayed away from me despite the fact that I was capital nerd. Or maybe Dad was overwhelming in the 'all mine' way he scooped me up on Fridays.
Then I went to college and they never showed up there either.
Then I got to work, and I met cheats, leches, bitches, manipulators and even if all these people had a bit of bully in them, I never felt bullied.
But last night I did. By a friend. All he did, was speak sharply, maybe authoritatively. Not to me, but to another, dear friend whom I was laughing with. And the thing is, I instinctively felt it..some sort of violation. I couldn't retort owing to the nature of the gathering and that preservation brought out the worst within me. I fumed and bristled and made sure he heard exactly what I thought and said. I had never felt the emotion and the only way I knew how to avenge the hurt was to go on the warpath. I didnt care how silly or inconsequential anyone thought it was, I had to feel better. I was determined to tell him exactly what I thought, seconds after the group dispersed.
I steamed and stewed and prepared and hurt and boiled away. It wasn't silly. Not for me. It was about standing up for myself.
And then he beat me to it. Came and apologized. And made me feel about two centimetres tall. He wasn't the bully I'd always feared would catch up with me. He was just a friend..who'd snapped in the crazy moment...like I had so many times, and all of us do.
And for the first time, I wasn't able to take an apology gracefully. I was too ashamed of myself.I knew I might have already and would've definitely tried to hurt him back.
I felt like I had to tell him somehow and we aren't close enough for me to blurt out the meannesses I never knew I had.
So I'm going to send him a link to this post. And hope that he understands.
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13 comments:
Well... since he had understood that an apology was appropriate back then, I'm sure he'll understand this too.
Blogging proving to be quite 'therap'eutic, eh?
thanx for calling my ideas interesting!..But u do write good blogs ..but wonder how u came across my blog..via orkut i presume..anywaz keep bloging:)
Ah, how I know that feeling!!!! I've done the same - fumed, fretted, behaved meanly and then that person will do something nice. you feel like a CREEP.
I wish I was special
So fucking special
But I'm a Creep!!
whoa! how she said it!
I know what I did. I knew how you felt. Not a bully. Dont have it in me. Once again, sorry. You have nothing to feel bad about. I might have reacted the same way. Its only human to feel that way.
And much to my dismay, I have been quite snappy and short tempered recently. Something Rae can surely vouch for! Just put up with me for some more time. Please. I'll soon be back to normal.
Brave you are. Therapy indeed.
Isn't it strange that sometimes a virtual world feels the most real?
Thank you Big Guy. You made my day.
Sigh. I feel so mushy on the internet. Sigh.
Hari and woman..yeah,having a journal of sorts is how I see it. Very therapeutic.
Did you know, janitors are the chosen therapists for lonely americans who stay back at work after hours.La.
Mahima..I'm just happy I'm not the only sometimes creep.
Next time u get angry or something snaps inside your head ( not m ind) just count ten. Scientists say that it takes that much time for the brain to regain its critical faculties, which it temporarily loses when we get angry
I am impressed by the way u managed it by the end of it all and how your friend has expressed his regrets too!
All's well that ends well.
What a good way of making the link back. Sometimes I think the words are a good way of making the link. It's so hard to express what you feel face to face and to do this is very brave of you. And great that he came by here and said sorry again. How lovely.
Sometimes there is joy in the worldxxx And it's often the ones we like/love the most that we snap at without realising.
Will keep the Profane Friendship for you. If you can send me your address via my e-mail link, I'll send it to youxx
if he is any kind of friend and as human as the rest of us not only will he forgive but also laugh
Good for you, I would've just fulminated to myself and then fucked off somewhere online to blow it off.
It took guts to send that link to him, and I take my hat off to you for it.
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