Someone I love woke me up today.
Literally..because my semi-largish( I love, absolutely adore being able to say that..no more tiny cubes of sitting room space..yay!) living room functions as rehearsal arena for this friend. And despite spare key, doorbelling plus plenty of thudding/dancing/ yelling/ jangling/ singing (performance piece..sigh..)ushers my scowl into this lovely, awake world. So at 7 a.m , life begins.
Today, he barges into my bedroom with usual flamboyance and outrageous hair. Says something (presumably Good Morning)..I mumble back....open eyes partly and affectionately regard the sweaty superstar.
"I had three bad dreams last night"..I state sulkily, proceeding to explain how weirdly the three were inter-related and yet had had substantial breaks between them..All three had left me with that unpleasant uneasiness that bad dreams produce, as opposed to the cold sweat that my nightmares are happily defined by.
As always, he interrupts me somewhere mid sentence. Unfairly, he takes complete advantage of our platonic bond and remains the only person whom I grudgingly forgive for outrageous interrupting. Probably because he's promised to let me live upstairs with my cats when he has a wife and kids and we're both juggling false teeth.
"Hey! Really??!! No wayyy!!( Despite pushing 30, anything this man says is a sort of exclamation) Me too..I had this horrible dream !"
I sceptically survey the interrupting oblivious offender. But I'm interested. How can I not be? The man is a live wire and a born entertainer..A can of beans that want to audition for Jesus Christ Superstar. Also it must be admitted, full of dramatic potential ever since he began (Good Lord), taking himself seriously. So I am interested. In both the bad dream and what will surely be an entertaining rendition.
"We were in a train and going somewhere"...He starts off and I immediately foresee the rest. There was this one instance when I made a trip to see a boyfriend and Superstar had been uncomfortable with me traveling alone (I had bravely bought a bus ticket)and accompanied me with an injured ankle. Being almost six feet tall, the bus ride and it's tiny seats( large for my frame) lasted a painful 20 hours and then he had hobbled around the city with me ,drowsy on painkillers and full of reproach on my insensitive desires to climb mountains. I predict that the 'dream' would have something to do with the bad karma I accumulated on that trip.
"We were in a train and going somewhere and suddenly X appears"( X is scum bag who tossed me around and broke many things- refer to earlier post )
He continues,"..And all of a sudden, you're going to sit with him, like you used to..and comforting and hugging him..like you used to. And you keep coming to me and saying that you wanted to give him a chance and that it was important..like you used to. And I was feeling really horrible, helpless and afraid throughout the whole thing..like I used to."
I told one of my grandmothers yesterday that it was such a wonderful thing to have no dog, kids, spouse, etc etc..and that while I would be ready for them someday, A responsibility-free life was a beauty.I also operate that way emotionally. I just go ahead and do what I feel like. Hell hath no fury like Tara stopped on her way to doing/getting what she wants. And that includes any friend, family , foes..take your pick. I do what I want.
And that I didn't realize the hurt caused. I'm sorry. All of you.
15 comments:
i'm sure that's accepted.
Other than the personal discovery and your allowing us to share, I found your discriptions and conveyed emotions well put.
This was a very, very interesting piece. I'll be taking a trip back through your past posts.
I don't think you should ever apologise for being who you are. I think you are cool.
Molly..
Sometimes, I figure its a good thing:) but thank you so much.
queen neetee..I hope you like the rest. Thank you for the lovely words.
rae - I made him read it. He looked so happy. I'm so glad..
Also, I only just figured you out.Haven't seen you around in a bit..hear that things are good though;)
Molly - couldn't comment on your blog for some crazy server reason. But this is what I wanted to say about the scar. I will put it in when possible.
Molly you made me wince.
And I loved the survival of it all.
My theory about this: it will hurt people more if I don't do what I really want to do....believe me. ;)
and when you are willing to give up some of the tiny things you want to do for one person in your life - let me rephrase this - when the desire of some of the things you want to do gets tied with someone's else desires to do the same - you have met the person you can spend the rest of your life with. Of course, it should make you happy. Thats the acid test - atleast 80% of the time (happy, that is)
Thanks for your comment on my story. Sadly, mostly fact. Except for the shouting at the sky part......I wish I had done the shouting part.
Mahima puts this so well...
Nicest apology I have ever come across!
Hey, I am from the international espionage ring. I hit paydirt in this blog. Found out your real name, it is TARA.
SORRY FOR KIDDING , I found your blog really touching and daring! Carry on
molly - I think you're blessed and gifted.
mahima..I agree, and like molly said, you were apt. Its always been about doing whats best for me..because I believe that people who love me, want that for me. Eventually:)
The acid test is hard..
Until..thank you:)
vichchoobhai..as always, you render me speechless. But thanks.
To all:
Yes, Mahima's acid test is valid for those whom one chooses to have in one's life. What about the others?
This conversation made me put this up.
Some answers?
(Therapy: My apologies for using this post like a platform)
I dont mind woman..
I hope you find your answers.
My only observation, based on my own life, is that everything and everyone you have in your life, is based on your choices. I'm never stuck with something because I was made to/born with it/ have had to live with it.
Its always a choice. Even if I hate the nose I was born with, my keeping it, is my choice.
If I dont have enough money to get a new nose, its because I chose not to fight for one.
I have have meandered a bit, but I hope you get the point:)
Line 3 of your poem is what I referred to the other day!
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