All my Bitches..

I had to write this one down..

Its a bit smarmy so I thought a couple of times..but its for me. A sort of reminder.

I realize I've been nicest to the bitches. The ones who treated me really badly. And we all do that.


This one situation particularly where I was adored {Muse-style which is really not as wonderful as it sounds), and i adored right back. However, he was really nasty to me at times. I mean, really really nasty. And he's the only one i get teary over. The one i painfully/lovingly indulge in memories of. I have some nice ex boyfriends, who i simply have a coffee and a laugh with a coupla times a year. This one, is what I had down as The One. Why? Thats what I cant figure out. Its not the mad maverick quality of it all or the fact that I felt a bit like Princess Charming to the rescue. Sure we had some exciting times- this one captured me like no one else.
But hell, he also treated me really badly. And somehow, after each worsening trauma(particularly post break which he didnt take kindly to) I forgave , forgot and generally grieved and hurt over someone who didnt seem to give too many damns about how I felt.

What is it about people we love who treat us badly? What makes it okay to hurt someone constantly and use affection or friendship as an excuse? I wrote this down because it came into my life this week. The realization that the fascinating fantasy had had no right to use me as a very metaphorical and at instances, literal punching bag.

And I was so wrapped up in giving someone else this advice, I almost forgot to take it myself. When did I forget to promise myself never to applaud or revere something that did not deserve it?

I'll try, really hard, not to forget that. I deserve that.