The other day I read an article on guilt. Apparently, it’s the new love. Makes the world go round. Apparently, it’s what the Great Indian Family Bond is based on. A large dose of sentiment, in the right, quavering tone, with a tiny reminder on duty thrown in on the side, is all it takes, assures this well informed journalist. We the people are consumed by our desire to be holier than thou. We even marry people we’ve never met, sacrificing far more interesting partners we may or may not have fallen in love with. Children are forced to eat because there is no middle ground between discipline and domination. Our parents never did it, and instead, Immaculate Conception, or its desi, purer equivalent, is firmly believed in till at ripe old 15, Bollywood or Playboy, whichever arrives first, make things impossible. Sex Ed is off the internet or music videos that work just as well. The article also talked of the sexual stigma that defines our blurred sexual identities later on. Deepak Chopra’s illustrated Kamasutra at Crossword is opened guiltily by a young woman. In fact, come to think of it, the Erotica section is the least visited corner in any bookstore. Same sex partners and AIDS are clubbed together and both accepted as a strange westernized phenomenon that affects “other people”. All this while we evolve from mithai on Diwali to Rocher, champagne and eBay.
Initially, when I read the article, I rubbished it. There are far too many of us who like finger pointing because it makes for intellectual hoo ha. And I know plenty of nice families that have set up new Indian ideals where it doesn’t really matter what the norm is, and if you want to do something, you’re free to do it after or despite discussion. Grudgingly or otherwise, many Indian parents today balance freedom well with authority. This writer kept saying how proud she was of being of Indian origin, which was quite ridiculous given that she seemed to think that as a nation, we symbolize one huge guilt trip.
But I’ll give her this much. The guilt that she spoke of is something we do without even realizing it. I have strong women friends defined by guilt. They’re vibrant and independent and full of pride, but at some grass root level, they’re feeling guilty. Of being independent in a family where women don’t need to work and a job is viewed of as an impediment to the natural duty of child rearing and husband feeding. Of never being able to explain why freedom is important. Of never being able to escape the shame of having felt claustrophobia. Our television feeds complete garbage into the minds of its viewers. The representation of Indian men and women is something I’m fiercely ashamed of. Rae’s post last week was a funny read but has a far deeper truth that despite endless debating, fails to really outrage our accepting sensibilities.
Generation Now is evolving into funny, interesting people that screw up relationships occasionally, find jobs and partners they love deeply, or in the least can live with and suffer stress, smoking and bad cinema. Couples have children after having spent enough time enjoying each other’s company. Marriage has stopped becoming a spiritual goal.
But guilt is still a big deal. I have my own. Every now and then I tend to mumble my way through family weddings where explaining my unconventional career and life is fearful. Suddenly my intense love for what I do, is guilty. I’ve watched my amazing dad try to explain my decisions and cringed. A friend is slowly trying to work his way through a mess of having been the obedient son for too long. Having sacrificed what he’s wanted for a really long time, extracting oneself from well meaning, but suffocating families where duty and sacrifice are synonymous with family honor is a task. Another friend cant get out of a marriage that lasted as long as the wedding because she’s afraid of the literal heart attack back home. A third will complete the mandatory education in the chosen field for 7 years before going on to get a job she doesn’t want. The thing is, we’re still not free. There are very many of us who are stuck in pools of inexplicable guilt that defy logic. Fashion becomes something to be ashamed of in a country where choices are judged in a matter of minutes.
I know I sound a little confused in this post. Its because I am, on the subject. There's a lot to understand where brass tacks are concerned.
I honestly don’t know if it’s more specific to us, owing to our heritages, or a widespread feeling that better masked elsewhere. Whatever it is, it’s too much baggage to grow with.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Something I intended to post but forgot last time.
A couple of days ago I was asked to decide the dramatic potential of some professional institutions. The festival was organized by Bangalore’s best and India’s second best management college. Undoubtedly aware of their prestige, they snagged a very hefty sum from sponsors and managed to invite the celebrity cream among musicians and quite a bit of corporate glitz. However, as far as managing the event went, the future of corporate India seems quite bleak. They treated us very sweetly but seemed quite helpless and uninformed most of the time. Things were heavily delayed, no one seemed to have the required control and the few that looked informed were far more interested in barking into their warlike talkies.
What made up for the lack of structure was the quality of theatre that came out on top. I would’ve paid more than I usually do to watch those plays at our auditoriums that frequently grace badly rehearsed, fundamentally unsound scripts.
A couple of days ago I was asked to decide the dramatic potential of some professional institutions. The festival was organized by Bangalore’s best and India’s second best management college. Undoubtedly aware of their prestige, they snagged a very hefty sum from sponsors and managed to invite the celebrity cream among musicians and quite a bit of corporate glitz. However, as far as managing the event went, the future of corporate India seems quite bleak. They treated us very sweetly but seemed quite helpless and uninformed most of the time. Things were heavily delayed, no one seemed to have the required control and the few that looked informed were far more interested in barking into their warlike talkies.
What made up for the lack of structure was the quality of theatre that came out on top. I would’ve paid more than I usually do to watch those plays at our auditoriums that frequently grace badly rehearsed, fundamentally unsound scripts.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Message...
The myth of The Standing Ovation has finally shattered for me. It’s rare that an entire audience actually gets up together, in genuine tribute to the witnessed performance.
What I’ve long suspected and recently confirmed is that, as in most shows, there will always be the few that truly believe that the performance in question deserves nothing less than a prompt clambering to one’s feet. And this select lot is, evidently, infectious. People sandwiched between them rise, half in confusion, half obligatorily. A few rows hurriedly follow suit, perhaps in their desire to be good members of the theatre. Several more follow, in a messy Mexican Wave manner. Finally, the remaining few who wish to not hurt the troupe’s sensitive emotions, or disbalance the sensibilities of the discerning crowd, rise. And what you have is The Semi-Standing Ovation.
Of course, there are instances when the phantom of the theatre erases such scarce grit and compels even the yawner/ grinner/ indifferent onlooker to stand in shared social grace.
And then there are the real ones. These are so far and few in between that it’s hard to predict their arrivals. But they’re pretty amazing. A whole hall full of faces that you instinctively know have loved every moment can be a real turn on. Even being a part of The Real Standing Ovation is a kick in itself.
One thing though, in a city like Bombay for instance, sometimes the desire to encourage fresh talent or surprisingly good work that seems sporadic, instills a commendable spirit of appreciation in lovers of the theatre. Enough to make them rise in true support.
There is an actor that I admire greatly. And it so happened that my time and purpose in Bombay allowed me to gaze worshipfully around him every day. I finally did manage to muster up enough coherence to go and gush to him about his work. Without making most of the intellectual points or questions I had debated for so long. It was still, A Moment. Sigh.
Hunger, I have discovered, is an ideology. One that I will have to live with and appreciate all my life. I’ve discovered the best way to combat my sweet jaw. Just give in to craving and its complete slavery. Not literally, as that would spontaneously combust all monetary incomes. But in spirit. There’s a certain sadistic pleasure in staring at a cheesecake or a jalebi, or chocolate and wanting it, yet not willing yourself to not want it. You cant have it, but lust, I’ve discovered, comes a close second to actual realization.
Well-wishers are only allowed to buy me flowers and books. Nothing edible, with cinnamon, apples or any such provocations. Gelato is fantastic.
What does one do with a friend that can’t see? How scared he is. And how running away doesn’t help. And what do I do with my idiot self that won’t give up or allow peace when I see too much. Why can’t I just let it be? Things would be easier for him.
Superstar has become an adorable alcoholic. Scotch bottles line his conscience.
What I’ve long suspected and recently confirmed is that, as in most shows, there will always be the few that truly believe that the performance in question deserves nothing less than a prompt clambering to one’s feet. And this select lot is, evidently, infectious. People sandwiched between them rise, half in confusion, half obligatorily. A few rows hurriedly follow suit, perhaps in their desire to be good members of the theatre. Several more follow, in a messy Mexican Wave manner. Finally, the remaining few who wish to not hurt the troupe’s sensitive emotions, or disbalance the sensibilities of the discerning crowd, rise. And what you have is The Semi-Standing Ovation.
Of course, there are instances when the phantom of the theatre erases such scarce grit and compels even the yawner/ grinner/ indifferent onlooker to stand in shared social grace.
And then there are the real ones. These are so far and few in between that it’s hard to predict their arrivals. But they’re pretty amazing. A whole hall full of faces that you instinctively know have loved every moment can be a real turn on. Even being a part of The Real Standing Ovation is a kick in itself.
One thing though, in a city like Bombay for instance, sometimes the desire to encourage fresh talent or surprisingly good work that seems sporadic, instills a commendable spirit of appreciation in lovers of the theatre. Enough to make them rise in true support.
There is an actor that I admire greatly. And it so happened that my time and purpose in Bombay allowed me to gaze worshipfully around him every day. I finally did manage to muster up enough coherence to go and gush to him about his work. Without making most of the intellectual points or questions I had debated for so long. It was still, A Moment. Sigh.
Hunger, I have discovered, is an ideology. One that I will have to live with and appreciate all my life. I’ve discovered the best way to combat my sweet jaw. Just give in to craving and its complete slavery. Not literally, as that would spontaneously combust all monetary incomes. But in spirit. There’s a certain sadistic pleasure in staring at a cheesecake or a jalebi, or chocolate and wanting it, yet not willing yourself to not want it. You cant have it, but lust, I’ve discovered, comes a close second to actual realization.
Well-wishers are only allowed to buy me flowers and books. Nothing edible, with cinnamon, apples or any such provocations. Gelato is fantastic.
What does one do with a friend that can’t see? How scared he is. And how running away doesn’t help. And what do I do with my idiot self that won’t give up or allow peace when I see too much. Why can’t I just let it be? Things would be easier for him.
Superstar has become an adorable alcoholic. Scotch bottles line his conscience.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Heh heh heh...i'm gonna make you famous!!!!!!!
Severely talented artist.
Also owns a restaurant.
Enfield-riding, maverick type.
Warm, fuzzy heart.
Single.
(People should hire me for this stuff)
Friday, January 12, 2007
Damage
Sometime last year, a friend told me her marriage was in trouble. Now, I don’t know much about marriages but I do know that when it gets to a point where you feel like a lesser person and worse, look the same, it certainly could be time to leave.
We’re close, but it’s really her cousin that’s closer. So when she simply talked about what living with someone who didn’t seem to like her much anymore, was, I mostly offered an ear and stayed out of the advice department.
At the time, she also had a little person in tow who seemed to adore his Daddy. The kid was adored right back, I was told. So, I figure, two people with a child in common and who must have liked something about each other at some point, had a fair chance at making it work.
Turns out it didn’t work. Turns out, that verbal abuse, when administered slowly, and over a period of time, works as well as any form of poison. Turns out that this particular brand of abuse is equivalent to any physical damage inflicted and the shape of the scars involved, bear a curious resemblance to each other.
I think that over time, as I heard her out and listened to accounts of what she was going through from other sources, what happened was that I began taking a stance. For me, the issue became less about what the problem was and much more about what she refused to do about it. There lies a curious devil inside some of us, who torments us into believing in false sanctities and instills a consuming fear of external animosities. External animosities and something else. Something completely separated from logic or sanity. A fear that seems to be completely against telling it like it is. A fear that fears truth and freedom. Or views it as selfish.
And that’s just her. Then there is her family, who, after witnessing eight years of the same bullshit, still want her to “work things out”. They cant bear the thought of a divorce and it’s impending doom on their cultural castles. Instead, they insinuate the effect that single parenting will have on a child and seem to liken it to being visually or otherwise impaired.
Okay, I think I’m a little prejudiced. Happiness and ensuring it has almost been a vital organ for me. They’re nice people, and they really love her. There are few parents that feel that much. Whether it’s sharing joy or sorrow, these guys want to do it all, all the time. That’s a good thing most of the time. Sometimes, it can get claustrophobic, if their other children are to be believed. But in my friend’s case, it’s about a life lived for two extra people. Any decision made affects them and their health issues so deeply, that it cannot, at any cost, be an independent one. So she’s reached a stage where she can’t take any.
Dissolution is something she’s been brought to the brink of, every other day. To put it plainly, she’d probably be single if it weren’t for the guilt of what she’s supposedly doing to her son and parents. If it weren’t so sad, it would be laughable that her family want to know, understand and patiently justify what makes her husband irrational enough to not be able to keep a job, treat his wife so badly and be irresponsible with regard to the kid. They haven’t been able to bring themselves to actually talk to him and demand to know why he’s being so rotten to their daughter. Incidentally, she’s the earner in the family. Other little trivia include the fact that he’s plainly suggested she leave (which in my opinion is makes him the most coherent of the lot) and that he makes the financial decisions. It’s interesting to not be able to buy the pants and yet wear them.
This is where I come in. A year down the line, I’ve told her siblings and cousin what I think. And I tend to not be the well phrased, understanding type when I get outraged. To me, they were not just not supporting any decision she could make, but actually forcing a life of unhappiness and more medication on her. She’s hardly over the hill, she’s attractive, smart and can have a great life, single or with a man who can make her happy, if she so wishes.
About the child, I grew up with parents who are terrible together and much happier and better people apart. I was hardly deprived being parented by a dad who taught me Abba and not nursery rhymes, because he knew so few. And he became the foundation of my life. This, in my case, mostly worked great. Example apart, what child would not be healthier in a peaceful home rather than a violent one?
Would it be different if she were male? Are we, as urban Indian women, as victimized as some of our rural counterparts?
I’m so tired of nothing ever happening.
We’re close, but it’s really her cousin that’s closer. So when she simply talked about what living with someone who didn’t seem to like her much anymore, was, I mostly offered an ear and stayed out of the advice department.
At the time, she also had a little person in tow who seemed to adore his Daddy. The kid was adored right back, I was told. So, I figure, two people with a child in common and who must have liked something about each other at some point, had a fair chance at making it work.
Turns out it didn’t work. Turns out, that verbal abuse, when administered slowly, and over a period of time, works as well as any form of poison. Turns out that this particular brand of abuse is equivalent to any physical damage inflicted and the shape of the scars involved, bear a curious resemblance to each other.
I think that over time, as I heard her out and listened to accounts of what she was going through from other sources, what happened was that I began taking a stance. For me, the issue became less about what the problem was and much more about what she refused to do about it. There lies a curious devil inside some of us, who torments us into believing in false sanctities and instills a consuming fear of external animosities. External animosities and something else. Something completely separated from logic or sanity. A fear that seems to be completely against telling it like it is. A fear that fears truth and freedom. Or views it as selfish.
And that’s just her. Then there is her family, who, after witnessing eight years of the same bullshit, still want her to “work things out”. They cant bear the thought of a divorce and it’s impending doom on their cultural castles. Instead, they insinuate the effect that single parenting will have on a child and seem to liken it to being visually or otherwise impaired.
Okay, I think I’m a little prejudiced. Happiness and ensuring it has almost been a vital organ for me. They’re nice people, and they really love her. There are few parents that feel that much. Whether it’s sharing joy or sorrow, these guys want to do it all, all the time. That’s a good thing most of the time. Sometimes, it can get claustrophobic, if their other children are to be believed. But in my friend’s case, it’s about a life lived for two extra people. Any decision made affects them and their health issues so deeply, that it cannot, at any cost, be an independent one. So she’s reached a stage where she can’t take any.
Dissolution is something she’s been brought to the brink of, every other day. To put it plainly, she’d probably be single if it weren’t for the guilt of what she’s supposedly doing to her son and parents. If it weren’t so sad, it would be laughable that her family want to know, understand and patiently justify what makes her husband irrational enough to not be able to keep a job, treat his wife so badly and be irresponsible with regard to the kid. They haven’t been able to bring themselves to actually talk to him and demand to know why he’s being so rotten to their daughter. Incidentally, she’s the earner in the family. Other little trivia include the fact that he’s plainly suggested she leave (which in my opinion is makes him the most coherent of the lot) and that he makes the financial decisions. It’s interesting to not be able to buy the pants and yet wear them.
This is where I come in. A year down the line, I’ve told her siblings and cousin what I think. And I tend to not be the well phrased, understanding type when I get outraged. To me, they were not just not supporting any decision she could make, but actually forcing a life of unhappiness and more medication on her. She’s hardly over the hill, she’s attractive, smart and can have a great life, single or with a man who can make her happy, if she so wishes.
About the child, I grew up with parents who are terrible together and much happier and better people apart. I was hardly deprived being parented by a dad who taught me Abba and not nursery rhymes, because he knew so few. And he became the foundation of my life. This, in my case, mostly worked great. Example apart, what child would not be healthier in a peaceful home rather than a violent one?
Would it be different if she were male? Are we, as urban Indian women, as victimized as some of our rural counterparts?
I’m so tired of nothing ever happening.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Happy New Year Bloggers!
Sigh....
I spent new years being ill and germ infested..
Will put up pictures soon. They're...entertaining I think..
I want to never be sick.
Sniff.
I spent new years being ill and germ infested..
Will put up pictures soon. They're...entertaining I think..
I want to never be sick.
Sniff.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Stocking..
Am inspired by article in paper to make Wish List. Apparently, some secret Santa type individual, (who will first have to read my extremely subtle blog) will do needful.
* I wish wish wish for miracle project that will not be pretentious, downright business like or inane and will instead be mind numbingly perfect and hencefoth change my life.
* Make that two.
* Magical potion that fights flexible Indian hips and will allow me to eat absolutely anything. This wish to also be merged with being stuck in Hershey factory for very long.
* Three months in lonely English mansion holed up with a certain author, and writing his memoirs. It must be raining outside and we must not ever need to go out for anything. There must be no doorbell either.
* Closetful of pretty flat shoes. Refer to Piggy's post for exact description.
* 5.45 a.m must become bearable. I wish to not start every morning with desire to sleep till 12.
* Anand will magically enjoy Japanese food and proceed to get drunk on Sake.
* I will wake up one morning magically fit and not be reduced to humiliating puffer on track behind runners. I will also attain insane flexibility and show off stretches at the stadium that no one else can do. (Warning that this surpasses the rest where possibility is concerned and must therefore rely entirely on magic.)
* Superstar will call me patient, organized, calm and paragon of virtue. And will bow before my tap-turning-off ways.
* Love will continue to amaze me.
* Superstar will decide to take us to Vienna for all expenses paid trip.
* I will be able to bake extraordinary dessert.
* All paedophiles will rot in collective sewer for rat type people.
* I will have overcome fear of heights before thirtieth birthday.
* Also marriage.
* By some strange inheritance, Cinema Paradiso will turn out to be mine and so will my three favourite bookshops.
* I will still love everyone I do today when I'm ninety and they will too.
* Santa will turn out to be entirely desirable sports personality with red hat and charming smile, whose whole life's mission it is to make me happy.
* I wish wish wish for miracle project that will not be pretentious, downright business like or inane and will instead be mind numbingly perfect and hencefoth change my life.
* Make that two.
* Magical potion that fights flexible Indian hips and will allow me to eat absolutely anything. This wish to also be merged with being stuck in Hershey factory for very long.
* Three months in lonely English mansion holed up with a certain author, and writing his memoirs. It must be raining outside and we must not ever need to go out for anything. There must be no doorbell either.
* Closetful of pretty flat shoes. Refer to Piggy's post for exact description.
* 5.45 a.m must become bearable. I wish to not start every morning with desire to sleep till 12.
* Anand will magically enjoy Japanese food and proceed to get drunk on Sake.
* I will wake up one morning magically fit and not be reduced to humiliating puffer on track behind runners. I will also attain insane flexibility and show off stretches at the stadium that no one else can do. (Warning that this surpasses the rest where possibility is concerned and must therefore rely entirely on magic.)
* Superstar will call me patient, organized, calm and paragon of virtue. And will bow before my tap-turning-off ways.
* Love will continue to amaze me.
* Superstar will decide to take us to Vienna for all expenses paid trip.
* I will be able to bake extraordinary dessert.
* All paedophiles will rot in collective sewer for rat type people.
* I will have overcome fear of heights before thirtieth birthday.
* Also marriage.
* By some strange inheritance, Cinema Paradiso will turn out to be mine and so will my three favourite bookshops.
* I will still love everyone I do today when I'm ninety and they will too.
* Santa will turn out to be entirely desirable sports personality with red hat and charming smile, whose whole life's mission it is to make me happy.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Attrition..
Last night we saw something beautiful. Naturally perfect, sitting there, on that smoothly polished surface that seemed created uniquely. The angle was just right, the lights softly caught the odd imperfection put there to assure one of reality. Reflections of a glassy red ashtray shone through with friendy ardour. The single engraving, almost a dent, dimpled up at me enchantingly. Coffee gold is a colour, I sighed to myself.
We were a little wary though. Perfection is misleading and often has disturbingly disappointing interiors. We gingerly listened in silence. And the sounds lifted us up, enveloping in their simplicity and full of promised intensities.
This is the one we want. Or at least the kind that deserves to be longed for.
Sigh.
Why would he have terrible feet?
Separately, I felt a bit sad with something I discovered yesterday. Also slightly glad. I had been really confused for a bit. I couldn't get how someone could go from being dedicated and full of potential to average mediocrity within a few days. I could be terribly brilliant at dancing tonight and really bad at it tomorrow? How does that work? I was reading one really bad poem that had this decent last line when it sort of made sense. How good or awful I am as a dancer, really has to do with how I feel about dancing. Reverence, honesty, commerce, conflict, love, lust...how you treat the art form/ person/ even object, is returned or rewarded in full force by the art form/ person/ even object in question.
Scary I say.
I cant dance, but there are plenty of days I grudgingly do something connected to what I love.
And I've seen very closely how easy it is to slip into being average despite having potential.
We were a little wary though. Perfection is misleading and often has disturbingly disappointing interiors. We gingerly listened in silence. And the sounds lifted us up, enveloping in their simplicity and full of promised intensities.
This is the one we want. Or at least the kind that deserves to be longed for.
Sigh.
Why would he have terrible feet?
Separately, I felt a bit sad with something I discovered yesterday. Also slightly glad. I had been really confused for a bit. I couldn't get how someone could go from being dedicated and full of potential to average mediocrity within a few days. I could be terribly brilliant at dancing tonight and really bad at it tomorrow? How does that work? I was reading one really bad poem that had this decent last line when it sort of made sense. How good or awful I am as a dancer, really has to do with how I feel about dancing. Reverence, honesty, commerce, conflict, love, lust...how you treat the art form/ person/ even object, is returned or rewarded in full force by the art form/ person/ even object in question.
Scary I say.
I cant dance, but there are plenty of days I grudgingly do something connected to what I love.
And I've seen very closely how easy it is to slip into being average despite having potential.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Pepto Bismol anyone?
I'm going to archive a bit. This is a bit of a gummy pasty collage that I want to not forget or lose within the various journals, scraps of paper ( My biggest moments are hastily scribbled onto various flyaway sheets!), photos, letters etc etc collected over the years.
These are the ones that stuck, that always make me grin, the nauseatingly sweet ones, the funny sad ones...the bits that I'm afraid will drown inside my cellphone rehearsal noisy life.
Sand...big, huge, sporadically wet piles of it in school, that I allowed to invade my black shoes and white socks..
Lying on wet grass in the only garden home that I've ever lived in. Clean fresh air and my dad's alarming attempts at barbecueing.
Swimming when I was tiny...with dad in the sea. One palm against my middle was how he ensured I didnt get washed away by a wave.
Winning. I've always loved the feeling since I was old enough to win. Even if it was a small birthday party game. It gave me a thrill that only my work has replaced over the last few years.
My wobbly little sister , following me around and earnestly growing up wanting to be me. ( Now she wants to be Angelina Jolie. )
My grandmother. We were both certain that neither of us had kissed any single person as much as each other.
Finding books that would change my life.
The first song that was sung to me. Oh I loved this absolutely. Stars in my eyes in the moment and all that.
Now that shes back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair,
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that theres time to change,
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey
Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there
Now that shes back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation,
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that theres time to grow
I wish it were possible to feel that age again.
The phonecalls with my best friend in school. No conversation was enough.
"You capture my imagination."
Person in question currently does not notice if I get a haircut. Or a second head I think. It must be all the glamour. Snicker.
A 56 hour conversation with a stranger that stormed into and out of my life.
Feeling freedom.
My first cat. I made him smell of peach shampoo.
January and the telephone call that promised Someday.
Discovering that food and creating it was intoxicating.
Discovering the Pencils.
Laughing with Superstar.
My first flat. The feeling of ownership and possession.
Feeling. Wondering if I'm in love.
I suppose there'd be more if I tried. I dont want to. They'll come.
These are the ones that stuck, that always make me grin, the nauseatingly sweet ones, the funny sad ones...the bits that I'm afraid will drown inside my cellphone rehearsal noisy life.
Sand...big, huge, sporadically wet piles of it in school, that I allowed to invade my black shoes and white socks..
Lying on wet grass in the only garden home that I've ever lived in. Clean fresh air and my dad's alarming attempts at barbecueing.
Swimming when I was tiny...with dad in the sea. One palm against my middle was how he ensured I didnt get washed away by a wave.
Winning. I've always loved the feeling since I was old enough to win. Even if it was a small birthday party game. It gave me a thrill that only my work has replaced over the last few years.
My wobbly little sister , following me around and earnestly growing up wanting to be me. ( Now she wants to be Angelina Jolie. )
My grandmother. We were both certain that neither of us had kissed any single person as much as each other.
Finding books that would change my life.
The first song that was sung to me. Oh I loved this absolutely. Stars in my eyes in the moment and all that.
Now that shes back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair,
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that theres time to change,
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey
Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there
Now that shes back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation,
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that theres time to grow
I wish it were possible to feel that age again.
The phonecalls with my best friend in school. No conversation was enough.
"You capture my imagination."
Person in question currently does not notice if I get a haircut. Or a second head I think. It must be all the glamour. Snicker.
A 56 hour conversation with a stranger that stormed into and out of my life.
Feeling freedom.
My first cat. I made him smell of peach shampoo.
January and the telephone call that promised Someday.
Discovering that food and creating it was intoxicating.
Discovering the Pencils.
Laughing with Superstar.
My first flat. The feeling of ownership and possession.
Feeling. Wondering if I'm in love.
I suppose there'd be more if I tried. I dont want to. They'll come.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Airplane story
I think I'm a little too absolute about my Pencils.
Its who I am. Ever since I've had formed thought, they've mesmerized me, and drawn me..towards a lifetime of worship and adoration. They define me and define the life I live, the food I eat, the relationships I forge, break, endure, exhaust. They are me, I am them. They give, I hungrily take. I give, they seem fed and nourished by the constant love I feel. They freely possess me, just as I possess them. There are my moments of doubt, despair, suspicion, angst. They reach out and reassure me with the sacred connection we have.
I've met people over the years and been close, or held hands, or felt indifference or boredom or thrilled....and the Pencils have always had something to do with it. It was how they had influenced the bond, that defined the worth of it to me. It was them that I wanted to be nearer as I drew nearer to men and women. It was them that kindled conversations and more. And them that led to diffidence or suitcases. If A loved a Pencil he had seen last year, and B used to collect them in school, I was excited. If C had a lucky Pencil and D drew for years, I was hooked. They, and their fleeting images in the faces that I met, became all I wanted and held on to. And the minute I saw that connection slip, the minute I felt that reverence fade, even a little, I felt nothing or less for the face or film in question.
And then I met the rest of us. Every now and then, as I grew and sought, I discovered kindred spirits. That adored and were ignited similarly. It was like finding a home. That I could not bear to be separated from. Or even momentarily parted with. And I carefully, painstakingly built that home and that life and within that, a me, that nobody could take away my beloved Pencils from. My world revolves around them and finally I had filled my surroundings with the few that could see and sustain me.
One day, a very special one left. I was bewildered, confused and hurt. The Special One had loved them just as much as I did. The rest loved them, but were not replenished and exhausted and dependant on them as we were. And for the first time I had found one of them that would and had, given his life to the Pencils. What could possibly replace that? What fantastic occurence could change a devotion that had given us more joy than what most people are entitled to? It seemed that I mattered more than the Pencils and that I was expected to have a life where they took second place?? We etched out a long, bitter parting that will haunt us both forever. and violently , suddenly broke into two halves.
Life went on. The Pencils were there and all I needed. The rest was found in strong connections that if not equally, did cherish, in their own way, the magic of the Pencils. I had, however, begun to feel a nervous fear. I guarded the pencils jealously. Nobody was allowed to degrade them or taint my sacred shrine the way The Special One had. Weaknesses were intolerable to me and only the Questions prevented fanaticism.
The Questions were what made the Pencils beautiful. People asked and the Pencils softly answered for themselves, smiling indulgently at our collective outraged arrogance. They were so true and pure and gentle in their stature, that most people fell willing slaves. I laughed with joy to see the inflow and its quality was of no distress. As long as I and a few others and those far greater than us stood still in our cause and the joy it gave us, the Pencils were safe. I was safe, and happy. they had made me a better person.
Then I began to want it again - the companionship that sharing brought. Where the wonder for the Pencils was the connection between two selves. Where the joy was mirrored at the discovery of that fantasy world....and where nothing mattered more. I guess a part of me needed to see that image in someone else, for the strange shared fulfilment that love translates into.
I saw a friend form. I saw a growing attachment in her for the pencils. And that peculiar talent to understand them as only a few of us can. I saw her revere those great men and women, lovers of my loved ones, with some strain of what I felt. Something in me wanted that desperately to form wholly and be bigger, brighter perhaps, than what it was destined to be.
She glimmered in the potential of shining and seemed to reflect that light of purity that defied age and boundary and represented instead only greatness in the future.
I saw it eagerly once, was captivated on the second, third glimpse and had greedily convinced myself of the third.
And then it shattered, when I saw that it was not the Pencils, that fuelled her, and instead, the words they could write. For her. The tragedy lay in how simple it was, how undramatic sorrow is and how deep disappointment can dig.
I got greedy. And in some ways I think the Pencils punished me. She will find her own path, and I have found mine. Its all mine and perhaps for some time to come, only mine.
I think she saw some part of my hurt. Not all or most of it because she hardly understands. But some part.I loved her deeply and will continue to do so. I have grown and suspect that this will be one of those permanent bonds. And in that, perhaps The Special One was right. There is more to life than the Pencils. Its just that, the Pencils are my life. More, is what they bring me.
Its who I am. Ever since I've had formed thought, they've mesmerized me, and drawn me..towards a lifetime of worship and adoration. They define me and define the life I live, the food I eat, the relationships I forge, break, endure, exhaust. They are me, I am them. They give, I hungrily take. I give, they seem fed and nourished by the constant love I feel. They freely possess me, just as I possess them. There are my moments of doubt, despair, suspicion, angst. They reach out and reassure me with the sacred connection we have.
I've met people over the years and been close, or held hands, or felt indifference or boredom or thrilled....and the Pencils have always had something to do with it. It was how they had influenced the bond, that defined the worth of it to me. It was them that I wanted to be nearer as I drew nearer to men and women. It was them that kindled conversations and more. And them that led to diffidence or suitcases. If A loved a Pencil he had seen last year, and B used to collect them in school, I was excited. If C had a lucky Pencil and D drew for years, I was hooked. They, and their fleeting images in the faces that I met, became all I wanted and held on to. And the minute I saw that connection slip, the minute I felt that reverence fade, even a little, I felt nothing or less for the face or film in question.
And then I met the rest of us. Every now and then, as I grew and sought, I discovered kindred spirits. That adored and were ignited similarly. It was like finding a home. That I could not bear to be separated from. Or even momentarily parted with. And I carefully, painstakingly built that home and that life and within that, a me, that nobody could take away my beloved Pencils from. My world revolves around them and finally I had filled my surroundings with the few that could see and sustain me.
One day, a very special one left. I was bewildered, confused and hurt. The Special One had loved them just as much as I did. The rest loved them, but were not replenished and exhausted and dependant on them as we were. And for the first time I had found one of them that would and had, given his life to the Pencils. What could possibly replace that? What fantastic occurence could change a devotion that had given us more joy than what most people are entitled to? It seemed that I mattered more than the Pencils and that I was expected to have a life where they took second place?? We etched out a long, bitter parting that will haunt us both forever. and violently , suddenly broke into two halves.
Life went on. The Pencils were there and all I needed. The rest was found in strong connections that if not equally, did cherish, in their own way, the magic of the Pencils. I had, however, begun to feel a nervous fear. I guarded the pencils jealously. Nobody was allowed to degrade them or taint my sacred shrine the way The Special One had. Weaknesses were intolerable to me and only the Questions prevented fanaticism.
The Questions were what made the Pencils beautiful. People asked and the Pencils softly answered for themselves, smiling indulgently at our collective outraged arrogance. They were so true and pure and gentle in their stature, that most people fell willing slaves. I laughed with joy to see the inflow and its quality was of no distress. As long as I and a few others and those far greater than us stood still in our cause and the joy it gave us, the Pencils were safe. I was safe, and happy. they had made me a better person.
Then I began to want it again - the companionship that sharing brought. Where the wonder for the Pencils was the connection between two selves. Where the joy was mirrored at the discovery of that fantasy world....and where nothing mattered more. I guess a part of me needed to see that image in someone else, for the strange shared fulfilment that love translates into.
I saw a friend form. I saw a growing attachment in her for the pencils. And that peculiar talent to understand them as only a few of us can. I saw her revere those great men and women, lovers of my loved ones, with some strain of what I felt. Something in me wanted that desperately to form wholly and be bigger, brighter perhaps, than what it was destined to be.
She glimmered in the potential of shining and seemed to reflect that light of purity that defied age and boundary and represented instead only greatness in the future.
I saw it eagerly once, was captivated on the second, third glimpse and had greedily convinced myself of the third.
And then it shattered, when I saw that it was not the Pencils, that fuelled her, and instead, the words they could write. For her. The tragedy lay in how simple it was, how undramatic sorrow is and how deep disappointment can dig.
I got greedy. And in some ways I think the Pencils punished me. She will find her own path, and I have found mine. Its all mine and perhaps for some time to come, only mine.
I think she saw some part of my hurt. Not all or most of it because she hardly understands. But some part.I loved her deeply and will continue to do so. I have grown and suspect that this will be one of those permanent bonds. And in that, perhaps The Special One was right. There is more to life than the Pencils. Its just that, the Pencils are my life. More, is what they bring me.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Update..
Well, travel and much illness has followed me around faithfully.
Yesterday, for the first time in a very long time, I atually felt like I was recovering. I actually felt healthy. I kid you not, to someone who's been that ill, this is a step short of salvaton.
And a little sad because I was going to be letting go of a part of me that represented purity and innocence and a 3 centimetre dream that I suddenly, insanely wished was real.
I met family and friends and strangers who had watched me grow up. Most of them seemed unreal. Wanted to constantly know why I had grown so much. I kept explaining that tragically, there wasn't even a centimentre to add to the medium length that I'd been a year and a half ago. My grandmum thinks I'm too thin. Yet, she keeps bringing up strange men who've never met me, and insisting that the time is ripe to harvest with one of them.
My cousin looked pronouncedly happy as she declared me fatter from my last visit. Her pierced chin was the cause of many merciful distractions though.
I met a writer, who, lke most writers, seemed on the lookout for a readymade muse. Since I had only one small suitcase and a ticket back home, I think I fit the bill. He was interesting in that he seemed to be mesmerised by attributes that I am unfortunately certain I do not possess. However, he made my phonecalls back home more animated. He also gave me a book (The Edible Woman...yes, I have not yet lived that down) with the first page filled with suitably mournful prose and we parted on the note that I reminded him of his aunt.
I also discovered brightly coloured markets that were such a joy to trudge through. And I happily bought gifts at twice their price.
I'm back now. With lots to do and get done. Sigh.
Yesterday, for the first time in a very long time, I atually felt like I was recovering. I actually felt healthy. I kid you not, to someone who's been that ill, this is a step short of salvaton.
And a little sad because I was going to be letting go of a part of me that represented purity and innocence and a 3 centimetre dream that I suddenly, insanely wished was real.
I met family and friends and strangers who had watched me grow up. Most of them seemed unreal. Wanted to constantly know why I had grown so much. I kept explaining that tragically, there wasn't even a centimentre to add to the medium length that I'd been a year and a half ago. My grandmum thinks I'm too thin. Yet, she keeps bringing up strange men who've never met me, and insisting that the time is ripe to harvest with one of them.
My cousin looked pronouncedly happy as she declared me fatter from my last visit. Her pierced chin was the cause of many merciful distractions though.
I met a writer, who, lke most writers, seemed on the lookout for a readymade muse. Since I had only one small suitcase and a ticket back home, I think I fit the bill. He was interesting in that he seemed to be mesmerised by attributes that I am unfortunately certain I do not possess. However, he made my phonecalls back home more animated. He also gave me a book (The Edible Woman...yes, I have not yet lived that down) with the first page filled with suitably mournful prose and we parted on the note that I reminded him of his aunt.
I also discovered brightly coloured markets that were such a joy to trudge through. And I happily bought gifts at twice their price.
I'm back now. With lots to do and get done. Sigh.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Bifurcation.
Hmmm...I have no idea how to start this..
( 7 mins later)
Last night I felt bullied. And I've never known that.
I swear, if my school had bullies, they stayed away from me despite the fact that I was capital nerd. Or maybe Dad was overwhelming in the 'all mine' way he scooped me up on Fridays.
Then I went to college and they never showed up there either.
Then I got to work, and I met cheats, leches, bitches, manipulators and even if all these people had a bit of bully in them, I never felt bullied.
But last night I did. By a friend. All he did, was speak sharply, maybe authoritatively. Not to me, but to another, dear friend whom I was laughing with. And the thing is, I instinctively felt it..some sort of violation. I couldn't retort owing to the nature of the gathering and that preservation brought out the worst within me. I fumed and bristled and made sure he heard exactly what I thought and said. I had never felt the emotion and the only way I knew how to avenge the hurt was to go on the warpath. I didnt care how silly or inconsequential anyone thought it was, I had to feel better. I was determined to tell him exactly what I thought, seconds after the group dispersed.
I steamed and stewed and prepared and hurt and boiled away. It wasn't silly. Not for me. It was about standing up for myself.
And then he beat me to it. Came and apologized. And made me feel about two centimetres tall. He wasn't the bully I'd always feared would catch up with me. He was just a friend..who'd snapped in the crazy moment...like I had so many times, and all of us do.
And for the first time, I wasn't able to take an apology gracefully. I was too ashamed of myself.I knew I might have already and would've definitely tried to hurt him back.
I felt like I had to tell him somehow and we aren't close enough for me to blurt out the meannesses I never knew I had.
So I'm going to send him a link to this post. And hope that he understands.
( 7 mins later)
Last night I felt bullied. And I've never known that.
I swear, if my school had bullies, they stayed away from me despite the fact that I was capital nerd. Or maybe Dad was overwhelming in the 'all mine' way he scooped me up on Fridays.
Then I went to college and they never showed up there either.
Then I got to work, and I met cheats, leches, bitches, manipulators and even if all these people had a bit of bully in them, I never felt bullied.
But last night I did. By a friend. All he did, was speak sharply, maybe authoritatively. Not to me, but to another, dear friend whom I was laughing with. And the thing is, I instinctively felt it..some sort of violation. I couldn't retort owing to the nature of the gathering and that preservation brought out the worst within me. I fumed and bristled and made sure he heard exactly what I thought and said. I had never felt the emotion and the only way I knew how to avenge the hurt was to go on the warpath. I didnt care how silly or inconsequential anyone thought it was, I had to feel better. I was determined to tell him exactly what I thought, seconds after the group dispersed.
I steamed and stewed and prepared and hurt and boiled away. It wasn't silly. Not for me. It was about standing up for myself.
And then he beat me to it. Came and apologized. And made me feel about two centimetres tall. He wasn't the bully I'd always feared would catch up with me. He was just a friend..who'd snapped in the crazy moment...like I had so many times, and all of us do.
And for the first time, I wasn't able to take an apology gracefully. I was too ashamed of myself.I knew I might have already and would've definitely tried to hurt him back.
I felt like I had to tell him somehow and we aren't close enough for me to blurt out the meannesses I never knew I had.
So I'm going to send him a link to this post. And hope that he understands.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Conversation..
We were at our usual dinner spot last night. Beer guzzler meets jazz musician meets fervant South Indian, there for the famously great food. Place is owned by a friend who draws like an angel, has a warm,fuzzy heart and resembles a Harley maverick. There are sad goblins on the walls that always make me want to write about them. One goblin gingerly holds a tiny fragile fairy in his palm and is staring at her, mesmerized. I'll never forget that look, of absolute longing and enchantment. It must be nice to be an art whiz with your own pub. Sigh.
Steaming soup arrives and its the best thing I've ever eaten with the rains beating a consistent drum outside.
"What does being in love really mean?"
Huh? Um..entirely wrong person to ask..I..er.. The cornered person in question looks like he'd rather be in jail..
Everyone looks serious. Well of course. This bunch never gets serious about anything! And the one topic that I would certainly mumble my way through, they choose to get philosophical over
Superstar suddenly sheds the style and gets deep. Old girlfriends are drudged up. much debris is discussed. He has a point, a lot of loves are about having fun with someone and continuing to have fun no matter how long its lasted. Most good marraiges seem to be fun.
I apologetically try and remember all the instances where I had fancied the sensation.
Another friend thinks its about middle ground. Yeah, I can relate. Compromise and all that. Your noodles for my rotis. But surely this constant "deal" is not all it's jazzed up to be? Surely it gets tiring? Especially if it's constantly conscious?
My relationship allows me room and breathing space and the random days of cranky solitude that I cannot live without.
Love is...the fantastic high that fades into a fantastic low. We all laugh at her joke. But its true. I've been troubled in situations where my closest friends have said that the pain was too much too bear, that desolation/ anger/ hurt/ weakness was the altar at which worshipping Love, made it bearable. Seems terribly painful..are you sure that this is love..I had doubtfully asked in my head..
My relationship has laughter and teasing and problems that dont become grudges or vinegered anger.
X believes Love has has the properties to heal and restore.
Y wants nothing to do with it, is in hate and likes the armour.
Z wants cotton candy and walks in the rain.
I dislike drama. I found logic and companionship, friendly warmth, even on days that tell me I cannot ever expect salvation. Sorry, Dad.
A likes languid afternoon, makes the time, cooks together.
B believes in driver's seats and equalizing power (Contradictory I know, but exactly what she said)
C is recently liberated from wet toilets and pompous last name.
D wants her to help more at home.
Turning off a tap, learning to cook, watching films alone, watching films together,...adulterous, juvenile, cuddling, candour, sex, hate, loneliness, organizing, bills, trips, fights, make-up sex, fantasies with other people, money, stability...
I chew slowly..my head swims easily. I wish my partner were here. I think we would've both been bewildered.
Love..seems complicated.
Steaming soup arrives and its the best thing I've ever eaten with the rains beating a consistent drum outside.
"What does being in love really mean?"
Huh? Um..entirely wrong person to ask..I..er.. The cornered person in question looks like he'd rather be in jail..
Everyone looks serious. Well of course. This bunch never gets serious about anything! And the one topic that I would certainly mumble my way through, they choose to get philosophical over
Superstar suddenly sheds the style and gets deep. Old girlfriends are drudged up. much debris is discussed. He has a point, a lot of loves are about having fun with someone and continuing to have fun no matter how long its lasted. Most good marraiges seem to be fun.
I apologetically try and remember all the instances where I had fancied the sensation.
Another friend thinks its about middle ground. Yeah, I can relate. Compromise and all that. Your noodles for my rotis. But surely this constant "deal" is not all it's jazzed up to be? Surely it gets tiring? Especially if it's constantly conscious?
My relationship allows me room and breathing space and the random days of cranky solitude that I cannot live without.
Love is...the fantastic high that fades into a fantastic low. We all laugh at her joke. But its true. I've been troubled in situations where my closest friends have said that the pain was too much too bear, that desolation/ anger/ hurt/ weakness was the altar at which worshipping Love, made it bearable. Seems terribly painful..are you sure that this is love..I had doubtfully asked in my head..
My relationship has laughter and teasing and problems that dont become grudges or vinegered anger.
X believes Love has has the properties to heal and restore.
Y wants nothing to do with it, is in hate and likes the armour.
Z wants cotton candy and walks in the rain.
I dislike drama. I found logic and companionship, friendly warmth, even on days that tell me I cannot ever expect salvation. Sorry, Dad.
A likes languid afternoon, makes the time, cooks together.
B believes in driver's seats and equalizing power (Contradictory I know, but exactly what she said)
C is recently liberated from wet toilets and pompous last name.
D wants her to help more at home.
Turning off a tap, learning to cook, watching films alone, watching films together,...adulterous, juvenile, cuddling, candour, sex, hate, loneliness, organizing, bills, trips, fights, make-up sex, fantasies with other people, money, stability...
I chew slowly..my head swims easily. I wish my partner were here. I think we would've both been bewildered.
Love..seems complicated.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Habit..
I crawl out of my fluid shawl..warm, enraged, pink and red ...sentences written across my temples..blue gelatin suffocating me..and my mother looming over a giant shadow, her angry heat blazing over me..
Can I climb over the iceberg?
Its frozen, its transparent juts will pretend to be meant for your trust and grasp..its ridges will covertly transform into transport and hooded accomplices will talk of safety on the way...and you'll clasp a knife of ice with your little fingers wrapped around it, and just as you begin to hoist yourself, you'll find the ice has held you forever...you're frozen and joint to the monster and you'll never be able to let go..naked and climbing an iceberg? Do you know it took centuries to shape a tiny cube made uneven by a chipped tray.
My rocking chair jerked frantically. The toes that hadn't formed yet shivered in anticipation. The cube was little and unwanted. You see, It had been tainted. At the very centre of its frozen beauty, say an accidental drop of blood. And since then, anger and astonishment had ostrasized the cube. It felt lonely and left out. It felt anger and apathy. It grew..it filled...with neglect and fear and hollow round holes in its enlarged core. And it took on a new name, because now, it had become large and strong and powerful..and had understood superstitions and tradition..and now when it laughed it became a terrible deafening roar that silenced people's hearts and made them afraid to think.
Turgid water balloons burst aginst my puckered angry fists. Silent rocking back and forth. I was the iceberg, the iceberg was me..we have so much in common..
Why couldn't I climb it?
The iceberg knew, and smiled through its slits of vision. It knew I could hear polite laughs and unnatural high pitches..it had known the permeability of amniotic fluid..and that its icy breath had snaked its way in, and curled aroud my brain...it knew my mother's fears..and my ancestral prejudices..it had sneered at the occasional Thought...and clamped its habitual forces around my arteries..I would never be free... free..I would never see the tinkling chains of tiny icecubes...wound around my willing wrists...each with a warm, red centre.
I could never climb it.
Unless I chose to.
Can I climb over the iceberg?
Its frozen, its transparent juts will pretend to be meant for your trust and grasp..its ridges will covertly transform into transport and hooded accomplices will talk of safety on the way...and you'll clasp a knife of ice with your little fingers wrapped around it, and just as you begin to hoist yourself, you'll find the ice has held you forever...you're frozen and joint to the monster and you'll never be able to let go..naked and climbing an iceberg? Do you know it took centuries to shape a tiny cube made uneven by a chipped tray.
My rocking chair jerked frantically. The toes that hadn't formed yet shivered in anticipation. The cube was little and unwanted. You see, It had been tainted. At the very centre of its frozen beauty, say an accidental drop of blood. And since then, anger and astonishment had ostrasized the cube. It felt lonely and left out. It felt anger and apathy. It grew..it filled...with neglect and fear and hollow round holes in its enlarged core. And it took on a new name, because now, it had become large and strong and powerful..and had understood superstitions and tradition..and now when it laughed it became a terrible deafening roar that silenced people's hearts and made them afraid to think.
Turgid water balloons burst aginst my puckered angry fists. Silent rocking back and forth. I was the iceberg, the iceberg was me..we have so much in common..
Why couldn't I climb it?
The iceberg knew, and smiled through its slits of vision. It knew I could hear polite laughs and unnatural high pitches..it had known the permeability of amniotic fluid..and that its icy breath had snaked its way in, and curled aroud my brain...it knew my mother's fears..and my ancestral prejudices..it had sneered at the occasional Thought...and clamped its habitual forces around my arteries..I would never be free... free..I would never see the tinkling chains of tiny icecubes...wound around my willing wrists...each with a warm, red centre.
I could never climb it.
Unless I chose to.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Addendum..
Yesterday's post was intended to be about the beautiful, beautiful Indian rain that Mahima talked about.
The thing is, my superstar hates it. And is absolutely foul when wet. Also funny and cranky in a pretty way..but mostly foul..and that evening was no exception.
The post just went another direction, all by itself.
The thing is, my superstar hates it. And is absolutely foul when wet. Also funny and cranky in a pretty way..but mostly foul..and that evening was no exception.
The post just went another direction, all by itself.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Alarm..
I was drenched again last evening..
It looked like it would rain..but then, in this city, it always does. And this time of the year, the clouds are usually conscientious about their promises.
Milk ,eggs, lettuce, butter, bread, noodles, mushrooms.. lovely rounded discs, raspberries stained with cocoa..gorgeous sparkling bottles pregnant with their enchanted aerations..guilt, first pangs..steering, veering, giving in..more beauty, soft dough..twisted temptresses...erect french fantasy..more milk, more eggs, chicken, wheat, soup...I breathe,mutter, confess, purge,relieve..relive.....Murky waters filled with fairies...no, no, no... Salt, fish, juice, soap, mugs, scrubs, tea, grapes....mutter, mutter, list, mutter...magical madness away...straight and narrow, focus, focus ..breath, breathe, chant, breath, envisage, vision, light...oh demons, angels, satanic pleasure...weeping, wandering ,wanton..cubes of darkness and danger..nestled in fragile tissue..rustling in my ears, my heart, my mind...fierce lust..fantastic fear...decision, diversion...the redness of pulp, warm, trickling, sweetened by desire, bottled by blasphemy..pure white sinner...shamelessly aged..masquerading ..mocking..pouring out its evil heart...beckoning at my heavy senses... milk ,eggs, lettuce, butter....breathe...
Oh lovely breath of rain and tea, sweetened by ginger and post coital-ish candour..
Gorgeous rain-streaked streets soak in their sodium shards..
I'm so late...
Friday, November 03, 2006
Apology
Someone I love woke me up today.
Literally..because my semi-largish( I love, absolutely adore being able to say that..no more tiny cubes of sitting room space..yay!) living room functions as rehearsal arena for this friend. And despite spare key, doorbelling plus plenty of thudding/dancing/ yelling/ jangling/ singing (performance piece..sigh..)ushers my scowl into this lovely, awake world. So at 7 a.m , life begins.
Today, he barges into my bedroom with usual flamboyance and outrageous hair. Says something (presumably Good Morning)..I mumble back....open eyes partly and affectionately regard the sweaty superstar.
"I had three bad dreams last night"..I state sulkily, proceeding to explain how weirdly the three were inter-related and yet had had substantial breaks between them..All three had left me with that unpleasant uneasiness that bad dreams produce, as opposed to the cold sweat that my nightmares are happily defined by.
As always, he interrupts me somewhere mid sentence. Unfairly, he takes complete advantage of our platonic bond and remains the only person whom I grudgingly forgive for outrageous interrupting. Probably because he's promised to let me live upstairs with my cats when he has a wife and kids and we're both juggling false teeth.
"Hey! Really??!! No wayyy!!( Despite pushing 30, anything this man says is a sort of exclamation) Me too..I had this horrible dream !"
I sceptically survey the interrupting oblivious offender. But I'm interested. How can I not be? The man is a live wire and a born entertainer..A can of beans that want to audition for Jesus Christ Superstar. Also it must be admitted, full of dramatic potential ever since he began (Good Lord), taking himself seriously. So I am interested. In both the bad dream and what will surely be an entertaining rendition.
"We were in a train and going somewhere"...He starts off and I immediately foresee the rest. There was this one instance when I made a trip to see a boyfriend and Superstar had been uncomfortable with me traveling alone (I had bravely bought a bus ticket)and accompanied me with an injured ankle. Being almost six feet tall, the bus ride and it's tiny seats( large for my frame) lasted a painful 20 hours and then he had hobbled around the city with me ,drowsy on painkillers and full of reproach on my insensitive desires to climb mountains. I predict that the 'dream' would have something to do with the bad karma I accumulated on that trip.
"We were in a train and going somewhere and suddenly X appears"( X is scum bag who tossed me around and broke many things- refer to earlier post )
He continues,"..And all of a sudden, you're going to sit with him, like you used to..and comforting and hugging him..like you used to. And you keep coming to me and saying that you wanted to give him a chance and that it was important..like you used to. And I was feeling really horrible, helpless and afraid throughout the whole thing..like I used to."
I told one of my grandmothers yesterday that it was such a wonderful thing to have no dog, kids, spouse, etc etc..and that while I would be ready for them someday, A responsibility-free life was a beauty.I also operate that way emotionally. I just go ahead and do what I feel like. Hell hath no fury like Tara stopped on her way to doing/getting what she wants. And that includes any friend, family , foes..take your pick. I do what I want.
And that I didn't realize the hurt caused. I'm sorry. All of you.
Literally..because my semi-largish( I love, absolutely adore being able to say that..no more tiny cubes of sitting room space..yay!) living room functions as rehearsal arena for this friend. And despite spare key, doorbelling plus plenty of thudding/dancing/ yelling/ jangling/ singing (performance piece..sigh..)ushers my scowl into this lovely, awake world. So at 7 a.m , life begins.
Today, he barges into my bedroom with usual flamboyance and outrageous hair. Says something (presumably Good Morning)..I mumble back....open eyes partly and affectionately regard the sweaty superstar.
"I had three bad dreams last night"..I state sulkily, proceeding to explain how weirdly the three were inter-related and yet had had substantial breaks between them..All three had left me with that unpleasant uneasiness that bad dreams produce, as opposed to the cold sweat that my nightmares are happily defined by.
As always, he interrupts me somewhere mid sentence. Unfairly, he takes complete advantage of our platonic bond and remains the only person whom I grudgingly forgive for outrageous interrupting. Probably because he's promised to let me live upstairs with my cats when he has a wife and kids and we're both juggling false teeth.
"Hey! Really??!! No wayyy!!( Despite pushing 30, anything this man says is a sort of exclamation) Me too..I had this horrible dream !"
I sceptically survey the interrupting oblivious offender. But I'm interested. How can I not be? The man is a live wire and a born entertainer..A can of beans that want to audition for Jesus Christ Superstar. Also it must be admitted, full of dramatic potential ever since he began (Good Lord), taking himself seriously. So I am interested. In both the bad dream and what will surely be an entertaining rendition.
"We were in a train and going somewhere"...He starts off and I immediately foresee the rest. There was this one instance when I made a trip to see a boyfriend and Superstar had been uncomfortable with me traveling alone (I had bravely bought a bus ticket)and accompanied me with an injured ankle. Being almost six feet tall, the bus ride and it's tiny seats( large for my frame) lasted a painful 20 hours and then he had hobbled around the city with me ,drowsy on painkillers and full of reproach on my insensitive desires to climb mountains. I predict that the 'dream' would have something to do with the bad karma I accumulated on that trip.
"We were in a train and going somewhere and suddenly X appears"( X is scum bag who tossed me around and broke many things- refer to earlier post )
He continues,"..And all of a sudden, you're going to sit with him, like you used to..and comforting and hugging him..like you used to. And you keep coming to me and saying that you wanted to give him a chance and that it was important..like you used to. And I was feeling really horrible, helpless and afraid throughout the whole thing..like I used to."
I told one of my grandmothers yesterday that it was such a wonderful thing to have no dog, kids, spouse, etc etc..and that while I would be ready for them someday, A responsibility-free life was a beauty.I also operate that way emotionally. I just go ahead and do what I feel like. Hell hath no fury like Tara stopped on her way to doing/getting what she wants. And that includes any friend, family , foes..take your pick. I do what I want.
And that I didn't realize the hurt caused. I'm sorry. All of you.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Other people's babies..
My dad's leaving for five years. It should be okay. I mean, I'm the independant black sheep. Why would it be a problem. Besides, visiting London will be great. All that theatre, delicious pursuits that struggling artists only fantasize about.
I've lived alone for two years. Its been rough at first given that I was clueless about plumbers, potties, bills, other people's noisy animals/babies/ spouses..
Now I have sense, experience(I am FanTasTic at dealing with overflowing pipes)and a maid. Also, nice flat where my bathroom and bedroom are not roughly the same size, shape and colour.
The thing is, I need dad. In the same city, not too far away. Horrendously selfish I know but there it is. He's the place where I feel safest. He's the home I know will always take care of me. Or want to at any rate. He's also the one person who'll probably be completely okay with all my eccentricities. And not think of it as a middle ground.
So anyway, I love dad. And I'll miss him like crazy. We grew up together, a team, just the two of us. This is rotten luck.
I've lived alone for two years. Its been rough at first given that I was clueless about plumbers, potties, bills, other people's noisy animals/babies/ spouses..
Now I have sense, experience(I am FanTasTic at dealing with overflowing pipes)and a maid. Also, nice flat where my bathroom and bedroom are not roughly the same size, shape and colour.
The thing is, I need dad. In the same city, not too far away. Horrendously selfish I know but there it is. He's the place where I feel safest. He's the home I know will always take care of me. Or want to at any rate. He's also the one person who'll probably be completely okay with all my eccentricities. And not think of it as a middle ground.
So anyway, I love dad. And I'll miss him like crazy. We grew up together, a team, just the two of us. This is rotten luck.
Incomplete..
I'm a little troubled, a little bare,
nude at the core of its truth..
I'm not supposed to feel this way.
Its why I flew the coop.
So you're leaving. Its only five years..
I'll visit, you'll visit, there's mail.
So why do I feel like I'm five again..
( bitter tears over the blamed airplane)
Photograph courtesy Nyc London
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